An Interesting Revelation

As I was online today, I ran across a video that provided me with a long awaited epiphany. This video explained why I love to write, do graphics, and make videos. Further, it also helped explain why I have an always-present inner angst that gives me heartburn whenever I attempt to reach out and reconnect with others I haven’t seen in years.

If nothing else, it definitely explained my love-hate relationship with Facebook. I’d have to say that over the past ten years, I’ve pulled down/deactivated/reactivated my social media profiles so many times that I’ve lost count. I have multiple dormant languishing accounts out there where I have forgotten my original login info and email used.

But more than any of that, the video explained why I always seem to retreat back into solitude doing my my form of ‘art’ where I feel safe.

The Cliff Notes Version

Here’s the gist of the most salient points made in the video, paraphrased in my words:

  • People who are deeply introspective and sensitive are referred to as ‘Sensitive Self-Aware’ types [or SSA’s]. When SSA’s attempt to share what they truly think/feel, they quickly find that what they have to say is interpreted by others as either being too intense, too transparent, too honest, or just downright unacceptable.
  • SSA’s pick up on this. They perceptively see how that the very people they are attempting to relate to are reacting to them—negatively, with incomprehension, censorship, or just plain old downright dismissal/disdain.

For these folks, a resource that is exceptionally well suited to addressing that kind of disconnection is art. By art, I am referring to that whole process of being creative—whether that be in the form of music, graphics, etc.

Once a SSA chooses an art form, it then serves as their secret diary, thereby recording what is being felt. In other words, they use their creativity to express what he/she believes to be unacceptable being expressed safely in regular social contact.

In essence, creativity functions as a safe haven and home for their most intimate communication. When things go well, some of the communication contained in a their chosen form of ‘art’ may be accepted by others—but the operative word here is ‘may‘. More often than not, their expression of their creativity is rejected or ignored, sending them further into reclusion.

There It Was, My Long Awaited Answer

Wow. I have to say that the video belongs in the ‘things that make you go hmmmm’ category. It certainly explains why, at one time, I wrote 27 different blogs under different names to contain my thoughts that I felt that I had no one to express them to openly.

I know what it’s like to find myself in a situation where months [and years!] pass without receiving a single email, phone call, or text from anyone living outside the four walls of my residence.

I realize now that my writing and the hundreds of videos that I posted—and subsequently took down—contained the things that I needed to express, as well as the things I craved to hear from others when I was in my lonely state.

The Takeaway

The fact is that I always feel lonely—even when I’m with people. However, I’m learning that this fact is going to have to be okay. In other words, I have to accept it in order to survive. I am learning to surrender to the facts. The most glaring fact is  ….  no one is coming. I must stop expecting that eventually someone will show up and care enough to  LISTEN.

Whether anyone ever comes or not, I know one thing for certain. It’s in me that  I HAVE to write. It’s in me that I HAVE to be creative—at least in some way.

This last week—for the umpteenth time [!]—I once again deleted my Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest accounts where I had significant hits. I once again blinded my WordPress accounts with pseudonyms. I have since password-protected content that I feel might be too emotionally risky.

The Object Lesson

The bottom line is that I’m getting pretty comfortable interacting with people who may not actually be ‘in the room’. In other words, my closest friends are others who are very much like me. I have a soft heart for people who also often go un-comprehended and/or get dismissed by the stoics and super-spiritual holier-than-thou types. People who seem to have forgotten that they too are here on earth having a human experience and that, at times, their halo gets crooked as well.

So for me … for now … those ‘other people not in the room’ are going to have to be folks with names like Humor, Imagination, and Creativity.

The Lord First

The Lord will always be my closest friend. Although my journey has been painful, He has proven to me that the scripture is indeed very true … He really DOES stick closer than a brother.

I currently live too far away to assemble with real church folks in person, so I do my church attending via internet streaming.

Pardon the injection of humor in a religious context here, but I suppose that my place within a congregation may always be as a dangling participle or a misplaced modifier. LOL

In All Seriousness

I have started to rethink my definition of what ‘friendship’ and ‘fellowship’ really means. Fellowship means two fellas in the same ship. Right now, I’m in a boat out on the ocean with no other visibly observable passengers.

We all walk different paths and with all things considered, I think I’m doing relatively well—considering the circumstances. My life has been a bittersweet lesson in cause and effect.

With that said, I’m coming to grips with the prospect that (this side of Heaven) my ‘besties’ are likely to only be the ones I find chatting with me through a camera lens, musical score, or graphical meme.

Some Fires You Just Can’t Rekindle

Regrettably, once circumstances require that you let the flame of ‘connection’ with others die down and a bit of time passes, it’s very difficult (if not nigh impossible) to fan the embers of some relationships back into a legitimate flame.

Oh sure, you can try to engage via social media, but the most one can expect without disappointment is that someone will click of the Like button. Rarely do people have the time or inclination to do much more than that.

In our instant, microwave, sound bite world, we’ve all been conditioned to believe that by registering a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down, we’ve done something remarkable and commendable. Whew! (Wiping the forehead). We’ve engaged in deep communication and connectedness. Better go put our feet up and rest a while after that. LOL.

So, the bottom line is that it looks as if I’ve finally located my ‘community’—or as they say in modern lingo: my ‘tribe’. [Smile.]

The more loquacious ones in my tribe are the ones who converse with me through music, song lyrics set in rhyming pentameters, high-res stock images, sermon sound bites, and pithy quotes. But, hey, they’re my peeps, and I love them.

Waiter! …Table for one, please …