The Pain And Torture Is Real
The pain that we feel when we’ve been rejected is real. I was shocked to discover that when emotional attachments and ‘love addictions’ become entrenched, the neurology within the brain changes. And once that has occurred, forcibly having the source of that addition taken away—or being rejected by the source of that addiction—sets up a nasty PHYSICAL yearning and pain, comparable to kicking crack cocaine cold turkey.
Not only are there emotional longings and rivers of tears, but there’s also a physical element that is torturous. Being in love strongly activates the same sections of brain stimulated by morphine and cocaine. Further, the emotions felt during rejection light up the sectors of the brain associated with pain. The longer the relationship lasted, the worse the pain can be.
It takes time to release all the neural connections, but they will eventually fade if not reactivated. I did the Dance Of Joy when I found this out.
It was such a relief to finally know what I was dealing with! The emotions I felt after my husband left me were so strong. They didn’t make any kind of sense to me. My rational mind was aware that someone who did what my Runaway Romeo had done to me wasn’t worth one nanosecond of my mental real estate. Yet, the more he rejected me, the more I craved him and wanted him back.
It seemed like a paradox, but it turns out that it was all very chemical in nature.
Back Away From The Edge
So before you’re tempted to throw yourself off a bridge somewhere—take heart. Do your best to keep in mind that a great deal of what’s bringing you so much pain is human biology—plain and simple.
Sweetheart, cut yourself a break. Know that you’re doing the best you can do, and actually, you’re pretty courageous.
Look at it this way—you’re basically kicking crack solo. And your Dear Departed? A Coward. He/she had to locate a teat to nurse from to maintain their ego. And you? You’re facing your stuff all by yourself.
The Up Side Of Being Down
But, not to worry—you’ll be fine. Trust me on this one—the pain of kicking your (love) habit and the agony of facing up to/going through your emotional DT’s will be your very best friend soon. Your pain and agony will serve as powerful reminders to strengthen your resolve to never romanticize or dilute the truth about your Dear Departed and the heinous nature of what he/she did by ghosting you.
There simply comes a time that a person can put you through so much pain that all you associate with the mention of their name is pain. Going through that process eventually becomes powerful aversion therapy.
Often it’s simply the remains of those neural connections that haven’t dissolved yet that influence you to entertain pleasant thoughts of your heartbreaker in the first place.
Then, One Day, It Happens
Finally, the last of those neural connections break apart and let go. After that, any time fragments of the old programming even attempt to mount the hard drive in your mind, the words, “Ewww. No thanks, I’ll pass” will roll off your tongue like marbles off a tilted table.
It won’t be long before memories of your ex elicit the same automatic gag reflex as … well … you get the point. There’s no need for me to be overly disparaging.
Then comes the best part … your greatest reward.
One day you will surprise yourself when you realize that you wish your ex and the new partner the very best in their new life together. Not because you’ve suddenly morphed into such a swell guy or gal, but because now realize that you wouldn’t have him/her back if a cavalcade of Brink’s trucks were dumping tons of unmarked bills on your front lawn as your payoff.
Life can be good again. Really.